| changing |
[Oct. 27th, 2004|06:24 pm] |
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i'm changing journals. my new one will actually be written in more often, AND i'll begin to read and reply to journals again (now that I finally have my own computer) ... Katie, Paulsive, and others, please comment if you want to know my new LJ username/want me to add you on the new name. Only those that comment or contact me will be added/enlightened as to the new name. |
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| you had time |
[Oct. 25th, 2004|10:31 pm] |
Well. Much has changed. As it should.
I live with the parents, again. All is peaceful. I work at Toys "R" Us. I'm about to get a second job at Starbucks. I'm in Alcoholics Annonymous (though it can apply to the use of all sorts of things) and tomorrow I celebrate my full one-month sobriety date. For those that know me and have known me... you should know the weight that comes with this period of sobriety. I'm proud. I'm impressed, even.
All is well. Ani's voice and the beautiful sounds that accompany her live version of 'you had time' is making me smile.
"... and you will take the heavy stuff, and you will drive the car, and i'll look out the window and make jokes about the way things are..." |
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| Thirteen Days |
[Sep. 20th, 2004|10:57 am] |
In two weeks, i'm moving back to Slidell. Yep, with the parents. It's been fun*, Shreveport, but i'll see you later.
* horrible. |
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| this little war is what kills |
[Sep. 17th, 2004|10:49 pm] |
i'm listening to reckoning. enjoying it, 'cos it's as close to ani as i'll get for a while. it's too impractical for me to go to the show. my car is falling apart as it is, and I need it for work. need a new timing belt. oil change. + i'd be going by myself with no cell phone, and I'd rather not take the risk. that's alright. i'll see her one day.
I saw katie tonight. yep. kathryn. here's what sums up my feelings on this:
DanniDoll8: what's wrong?
faux winter: ::shrug:: just watching myself grow from who I used to be. encountering people who think you are the way you were when they used to be around you is sobering. and saddening.
DanniDoll8: tell me about it.
faux winter: I like the growing me. but no one but maybe you and like maybe someone else see the newest version of blake-point-oh.
faux winter: so, I get treated like a child. i'm a joke. i'm a drug addict. i'm a liar. i'm whatever they fucking want to make me to be.
faux winter: ::sigh::
DanniDoll8: heh. I had a problem with that a while back. after my depression.
DanniDoll8: reinventing yourself sucks.
DanniDoll8: everyone likes to remember you for the bad you've done.
faux winter: exactly.
DanniDoll8: bad makes more of an impression than good.
DanniDoll8: it *really* sucks./
faux winter: I wonder if you remember being friends with me when katie was around.
DanniDoll8: I only saw Katie once.
DanniDoll8: but, I remember.
DanniDoll8: you are different.
faux winter: she was in town tonight.
DanniDoll8: oh.
I want to just go to work, come home, entertain my cat, sleep, and go to work again. this feels right. |
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| TOUR HAG |
[Sep. 16th, 2004|01:09 pm] |
looks like the show's still on! I'll be seeing Ani Difranco in five days. This makes me hot.
I can't seem to update my journal. Hmn. No desire ;x |
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| you know i have no vacancy |
[Sep. 1st, 2004|12:08 am] |
Everything evolves. You see it in nature, most obviously, but socially and mentally, as well. I'm evolving daily. This i've seen since I made the decision to do something to get kicked out of my parents house, a rough and spontaneous choice but one that, in the end, was healthier for me. I see this as I keep a steady job, which I feel secure at. I see this as I realize the truth of how mine and Douche's friendship was very passive-aggressive on my part. I've learned much about life, existence, etc. in a very short time. At times, yes, it's overwhelming. Satisfaction, though, and pride are beginning to replace my old consistently dwelling demons of insecurity, uncertainty, loneliness. Ani helps. I refer to her so often because, at the moment, she is the driving force in my evolution. Her music, that is. Her words reach so deeply, both those political and emotional, and they make day-to-day life easier. She reminds me that strength comes from inside, not from the people that surround you. She affirms my beliefs, my ethics, my morals. Chris saw me as a fanboy. It's much more than that.
I'm at a new friend's house. His name is, well, also Chris. He's completely different than what i'm used to: kids. Hell, i'm a kid. Borderline adult, this only from seeing how I grow daily, but still a kid. I'm beginning to notice something about the age group i've surrounded myself by in the last few years. I see my old self in them, I hear my words, relate to their rebellious attitude because I once had it. My rebellion has calmed. I'm becoming jaded. Yet, less motivated by negativity. Moreso, experience. I know one day i'll look back on how I am at this very moment and recognize, still my naivety, my ignorance. Yet I feel privileged that I can now do the same on my past few years.
Basically, i'm at the threshold. Change is coming. It's been here, but it's accelerating, and this makes me smile.
" + I am trying to e - VOLVE" |
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| for my country to rise |
[Aug. 28th, 2004|10:58 pm] |
Degree of mood change: 180° :) I had a talk with chris last night. Essentially, it was severing ties. The reason i'm happier, wholer, more peaceful is because those ties needed severing. I feel a burden has been lifted. Not him. His demons. His sins, they were attatched to me like burrs, permanently attatched due to the connection of our friendship. Perhaps time will allow him to grow + evolve.
I'm reading Ani's bio. It's an amazing book, more informative than I thought possible. I'm learning more and more about how our politics are aligned, along with being educated even further on her beliefs, the music industry, etc. This makes me happy.
Seems my life is lacking luster, though brain tells heart this is not bad. Peacefulness, security (in both job + home), and the opportunity to once again begin expanding my knowledge of life and the world around me outweigh partying, "friends," and all-nighters that will come again in time. For now, Blake is in zen mode.
Hummmm. |
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| unrequited and alone |
[Aug. 27th, 2004|11:39 pm] |
So. Chris... Douche... whatever admitted that he'd been lying to me the past couple weeks. We'd made a commitment to one another (and to ourselves) that we'd remain drug free. I held to this commitment. He didn't. It's not so much that he got fucked up; when it comes down to that, it's irrelevant. Instead, he lied. Someone who can call himself my best friend just lies straight to my face.
I'm listening to "Your Next Bold Move." The tune, the lyrics, all of it... gives me chills. Her music is all that I can seem to feel emotion for anymore. It's so strange. I listen to her often because that's truly the only thing that can get me feeling anything.
I've lost Jaz. Or, what beautiful, strange connection we had. I've lost Kathryn. I've lost Heidi. I've lost Douche. Sabrina. Beth. All the people I truly loved at one point or another, they've all moved on, i've moved on, we've... evolved.
This is not surprising. This should've been expected. I just have... no one, really. Independent in the true sense of the word. Sure, I have some friends. Plenty of friends. No one knows my heart, anymore, though.
Little melodramatic? Perhaps. ... but Honest.
I'm a very feeling person. Emo to the core, haha. Yet. I have no one to share my mind with. I miss that one, that other, that individual (whoever it might be) who I can pour out upon, who will listen when I need an ear, who can trust me implicitly and vice versa.
I'd like to skip the years of 19 - 25. Hit fast forward. |
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| we just don't run this place |
[Aug. 23rd, 2004|11:20 pm] |
Today was interesting. Seems i've found something that could build into... well, something. Heh. His name's David. He's adorable. I feel hopeful.
Ani's looking at herself in the mirror. She's such a priss. Haha. <3 cats
This entry is short. Sleep will be lengthy.
'I sing what I wish I could say,' - a.d. |
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| to survive on this shore |
[Aug. 22nd, 2004|01:18 am] |
What is it about me that "straight" males find appealing? I keep getting the ones that are wanting to get with a guy, but stick with girls 90% of the other times. Hell, I had one chilling with me tonight who wants me and he's married and has a kid! (yet he's only twenty...) ... Sure, he's sexy as hell, but damnit. I've been single a year and am month, I want to begin building a proper relationship with someone. Yeah. That's not happening.
I'm not bitter, though, just somewhat frustrated. I've got my cat, my job, my friends, all which are sufficiently sustaining me. It'd just be nice.
Work was GREAT. I trained an individual. I've been working there three full weeks and I already helped train a backman. I was proud to be the one who knew everything that needed to be done and how, correctly. I like professional pride, even though my job may seem so primitive to those who get paid more than six dollars an hour. We all have to start somewhere. I'm not ashamed :D
You've always got those dark sunglasses covering half your face; but, if you promise to take them off, I promise I won't squander your gaze.
THIRTY DAYS 'till the Ani show! |
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| taken out of context |
[Aug. 19th, 2004|10:40 pm] |
Douche starts school tomorrow. He decided to go to Airline over B.A.C. (Airline High was my High school, everyday, run-of-the-mill high school, as opposed to B.A.C. which is a high-school-diploma-program, one of which he'd only have had to go around four hours a day, starting at noon.) He regrets this decision.
It's strange to me that i'm completely finished with high school. It's also thoroughly satisfying. "You'll miss it!" they tell me. Um. Nope. Don't.
Dana's out to a movie with her Girlie :) They're adorable together.
I need a boy. Come September, it'll be a year and a month of being single. A year... and a month. Yeah. My response is strikingly similar to that of my cats when I put her in her flea collar.
Everyone is a fucking Napoleon. ;) |
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| mostly is my chi |
[Aug. 19th, 2004|02:03 pm] |
My throat is swollen. I'm off today and tomorrow, so that's alright; but still, swollen throat = suck. I've been working at Podnuh's three weeks, now, and I still haven't gotten paid. It's somewhat stressing me out... I'm tired of asking for gas money when i'm WORKING and earning my own money that I can't even touch yet.
:/
But at least i'm off today. |
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| squander your gaze |
[Aug. 17th, 2004|01:08 pm] |
Evidently, i'll be staying with Robyn! Picayune's about... forty to fifty minutes from New Orleans, so the drive ain't shit.
Douche might come, now. He'd just chill with Robyn while i'm at the show. It's better to have someone with you for such a long drive.
Ani's on my shoulder. She keeps falling in and out of sleep. Heh.
Well, Dana's off to work in a moment + i'm off to shower soon after. |
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| red fades before blue |
[Aug. 16th, 2004|10:44 pm] |
Every now and again, i'll get low. I will not resort to drugs, anymore; instead, I listen to Ani and play with my baby kitty of the same name. She's in my lap right now and i'm rejoicing as all the fleas are DYING from the flea collar I bought her today. Dana's out with her girl, + I'm happy for her; I'm happy she's happy.
Douche has so much growing up to do (not that I don't as well, but...) ... Ed spray painted a nazi symbol on one of Douche's chairs (one of the outside ones.) I went over and spray painted over it. Kids shouldn't celebrate ignorance just for the sake of SHOCKING DIFFERENCE because it's the trendy thing to do. Did Ed think about the countless jews who were tortured under the faith of that symbol? I doubt it. He just thought he was being rebellious. They all do. I wish they'd channel that passionate attitude into something a little more productive.
I got my Ani ticket today. ... ahem, I mean, I GOT MY FUCKING ANI DIFRANCO TICKET TODAY, it is HAPPENING! ::dance, dance:: "I cannot name this, I CANNOT EX - PLAIN this, + I really don't... want to, just call me SHAMELESS!" I'm evidently going by myself, but that's fine - no one to slow me down... going to push and shove my way to the front, mothafuckas! Hahah.
"They're gonna be mad at us. They're gonna be mad at me + you, they're gonna be mad at us... and all the things we want to do..." |
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| Trying to EVOLVE; |
[Aug. 15th, 2004|03:39 pm] |
I'll make this short and sweet. Here are the updates since my last post:
I'm living with Dana, now. Wonderful, sweet, amazing, kind, RESPECTED person. I'm drug free; COMPLETELY (and for REAL.) My cat, Ani, is doing well. I have a job at Podnuh's Barbecue, Six dollars an hour. Douche (chris) is even drug free, now. I'm happier than i've ever been.
P.S.: I get to see Ani DiFranco September 21st, 7:00 p.m. House of Blues, New Orleans. DAMN FUCKING STRAIGHT! |
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| 'B' Movie |
[Jul. 25th, 2004|01:26 pm] |
I suppose i'll go ahead and post, despite my lack of frequent internet availability. Everything's changing, of course, as it always does. I've been living with Gwenn + Matt Harrington. (who'd have thought I'd be living with Kathryn's former other half? How notably ironic.) I'm more financially stable than i've been in a while, and I've got three potential job interviews this week. I just got my oil changed, just got the title of my car signed over to me, and I feel damn good about the odds of me being employed this week.
I call the former live-in boyfriend of my adoptive mother (the one who dissappeared when I was thirteen.) at Six O'Clock today. Turns out from 2001 - 2003 she'd been living with him, completely eluding my father's efforts of hunting her down for child support. Turns out she'd also stolen some insanely large amount of money from this boyfriend and is now nowhere to be found, even by him. I wonder if i'll ever speak to her again? I know she thinks of me. George (the boyfriend) said whenever he'd mention me, she'd burst into tears and say "David screwed me," meaning my father. This could mean that he'd lied to me, known where she was, and kept her from contacting me. This is just an assumption, but an educated one, I believe.
So today, at Six, I call him. We're having a long talk. I hope it's productive.
Wish me mad luck on the job thing this week, please. |
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| like a child |
[Jun. 13th, 2004|09:46 pm] |
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I'd love all of you to hear this song, it's by Steel Train. I'm sure you'll enjoy it. |
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| and repeat |
[Jun. 9th, 2004|08:25 pm] |
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I did it again. new layout, same concept, but a little better I think. I'm not sure i'm pleased with the font/size, but i'm having difficulty deciding a more suitable one. The universal fonts are so limited. |
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| wheels over me |
[Jun. 7th, 2004|06:04 pm] |
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Thought the journal could use a bit of a revamp, again. I'd found this amazing dhtml/java script scrolling box thing to where I could've made this look much fucking cooler, but unfortunately (for security reasons), livejournal dissallows the use of java script. So, I improvised, and i'm still pleased with the outcome of this layout. Feedback would be appreciated, ::grin:: I like to know whether i'm improving, or just staying the same. |
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| snowflake |
[Jun. 2nd, 2004|10:03 pm] |
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I ended up in the ER last night. I need to stop this shit. |
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